Voices of Experience Help Teens Become Sexual Safely
Been There, Done That: Teens Find Guidance Through True Stories About Virginity Lost and Love Found
What Experts are Saying About “First Love / Remembrances”
Q&A
Press Release

The Other Half Of The Conversation

An interview with Howard B. Schiffer about his new book, ‘First Love / Remembrances’

Why did ‘First Love’ get written?

I was just finishing up my first book ‘How To Be The Best Lover – A Guide For Teenage Boys’ which I wrote for my son when he was coming of age when I realized another book was needed. With ‘Best Lover’ I felt like I had walked him up to the room and told him about the decisions and considerations he would face in becoming intimate with another person. But instinctively I knew that he needed to hear from more voices than just mine alone.

Why did you decide to put this information together as complete stories?

For a couple of reasons; Stories are how the culture is transmitted, it’s how we learn. I also felt that sex is isolated and compartmentalized so often in our society and I wanted to change that. Adult technique books give you almost a mechanical view of sex and I wanted teens to hear the emotional component as well. Sex happens within a context and I knew that stories would let teens get a real view of how that occurs. The stories paint a complete picture giving teens a real insight into what is involved. Once you have real information you’re in a better position to make wise choices.

How did you choose who to interview?

I wanted a wide range of voices; men and women, people from different cultures, a variety of economic backgrounds, straight and gay, and a broad spectrum of ages. I ended up doing hundreds of interviews with people from around the world. My youngest interviewee was twenty three years old and the oldest was eighty eight. After awhile the word started getting out on the internet that I was doing this book and then people would call me from all over wanting to share their stories.

It seems like these stories would be so personal, why do you think people were willing to share them?

In my invitation to people asking them to share their stories, I explained what I was trying to accomplish - This book is an attempt to open the door. To let young people see the variety of ways they can begin this journey. My hope is that they will be able to make their own (hopefully better) choices, ones in which they can begin their sexual experiences with their eyes and heart wide open. Most people remembered what they went through as teenagers and wanted to offer their stories as a gift so that young people today could learn from them and hopefully make better decisions as they are becoming sexual.

You said most people remembered, was it easy for people to recall something from years ago?

For some people the experience was in the last eight years and for others it was decades ago but every single person I interviewed remembered their first time with amazing clarity. It was actually astonishing to hear people recall how the air felt, or the smell in the room, or maybe the frost patterns on the window in the morning. Many people couldn’t even recall the name of the second person they slept with but everyone remembered their first time.

Had many of these people told their stories before?

Many of the people I spoke with had never told their story in it’s entirety to anyone, not even their partners. Some had told it to a few people or maybe their women’s or men’s group. But most often people had told only a part or shared it in very general terms. I was interested in the details and that is what brought these stories to life. It was also what made them so cathartic. In a way I was getting to relive these experiences with the people who were sharing their stories with me.

Part of the message here is that your first sexual experience is a big deal. Is that correct?

Definitely! The culture treats sex as a trivial or throwaway thing. But the stories in ‘First Love’ paint a different picture. Even the people who recalled their first time as a casual event admitted that its implications were significant.  Everyone remembers their first time and for many people it impacted their lives for years to come. It’s definitely something worth considering how, when and with whom you want it to happen.

You’ve mentioned that some of the people you interviewed tried to reconnect with their first sexual partners again. Can you talk about that?

For a number of people these stories and the feelings that surrounded them came flooding back. Many people had this experience neatly tucked away and hidden for many years. When it finally came out they realized what a big deal it was and a number of them were inspired to contact their past loves again. The results were mixed; some people were very surprised, others maintained a distance as they couldn’t understand why they were being contacted, and there were a few very sweet connections.

You’ve talked about ‘First Love / Remembrances’ being an opportunity for parents and adults to start communicating about sex? Please explain.

‘First Love’ builds on Dr. Daniel J. Siegel’s work with contingent communication. Dr. Siegel has pointed out the importance of parents being able to share a coherent picture of the world with their children. With leading young people into their sexuality, this communication largely doesn’t exist. Partly this is because we have so few models to work from and people have their own current discomfort about sex. But it is also because many adults have not reconciled their own sexual histories. With ‘First Love / Remembrances’ I am opening the door into these stories and setting the stage for a dialogue to begin.

What happens when parents begin recalling their early sexual experiences?

One of the big things is they become a lot more compassionate with their own teenagers. They also gain compassion for themselves when they realize they were probably doing the best they could with the little information they had when they were teenagers. It’s an opportunity for them to let go of past shame and embarrassment. It’s also a chance to open up a new window of understanding and support with their kids. 

What’s the danger of these stories not getting out and the dialogue not occurring?

The problem is that in the absence of good information, teens will turn to their friends, television, and the internet for details about sexuality. The information presented there is twisted or distorted at best. Whether it’s romantic fantasies from movies, or a mechanical view of sex from pornography, it has little to do with relationships in the real world. Michael Castleman in his book ‘Great Sex’ points out that almost all male sexual dysfunction (premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety) can be traced to men trying to imitate pornography as their model for sexuality. By not presenting a wholesome and well balanced perspective, we’re setting teens up for future sexual and relationship problems. The stories are an important first chapter in helping to create healthier relationships.

Are you saying we should educate our kids about relationships?

I would actually like to see a required course in every high school about relationships, sexuality and intimacy. We get our kids ready for so many other things; coaching for sports, music lessons, academic tutors, and of course driving lessons; why not educate them about an area that will definitely have a major impact on their entire lives.

What was the most amazing thing about writing ‘First Love / Remembrances’?

The most amazing thing was seeing the souls struggle to emerge and find connection. Many people made bad choices and found themselves in awful situations but in the midst of it you could see the beauty as they searched to find someone who would look into their eyes and say ‘I see you’ and love them for who they were. In hearing these stories I really did feel like a witness to the beauty. It was an honor to hear them all.

Thank you! This talk has left me thinking about my first time.

I’m not surprised. That happens all the time; with publishers, agents, therapists, and so many other people I’ve spoken to. You just open the door and these memories come rushing back in. It just shows how important our first love really is.